If at first you don’t succeed, pay someone else to do it for you.

Don’t let a liar upset you. They may only lie to you a few times, but they are lying to themselves all day, everyday.

The real trouble with reality is that there is no background music.

Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

Children in the dark cause accidents, accidents in the dark cause children.

Never trust a crying woman or a smiling man. Both are very dangerous !!!

I posted a joke on the wall at work and no one liked it.

I always go to work on my birthday… just for the free cake!

My wife is adorable, smart, sexy, and looking over my shoulder as I type.

If my car is too slow for you, buy a plane.