If people are trying to bring you down it only means that you are above them.

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

If the grass is greener on the other side, you can bet the water bill is higher.

Punctuality is the virtue of the bored.

I once prayed to god for a car, but quickly found out he didn’t work that way…so I stole a car and prayed for his forgiveness.

I dislike arguments of any kind. They are always vulgar, and often convincing.

Most of the time he sounds like he has a mouth full of toilet paper.

It isn’t homework unless it’s due tomorrow.

I like men who have a future and women who have a past.

Friendships last when each friend thinks he has a slight superiority over the other.